Two Breakfast Tales with Elbows

Kitten Me

In the present day near-distant future/ in space, we find our hero, Kitten Me! (that's right a kitten version of me)
Kitten Me gets distracted from anything productive by playing with an alluring dangling shiny mystery wonder device. Kitten Me chases the wonder device for 17 hours and falls asleep.
Kitten Me is astral projecting, so when he's falling asleep in space, he's waking up on Earth. And Earth seconds are different length than sleep/space/dream seconds.
Kitten Me sucks cause we're afraid of ourselves. Even though we're cute, we should probably be armed with a shank. Kitten me for example would be walking down the street, looking cute, when all of a sudden, a bad guy leaps out from the shadows. But with our new shank, we could stab the bad guy, after exclaiming, "Are you Kitten Me?"
The bad guy ended up just needing someone to talk to. Kitten Me made the bad guy feel better by listening to his problems and letting him pet us.

The end

The mail-order bride

Once upon a time, a mail-order bride decided She'd quite like to go to America. She crawled into a large box, where she hung upside-down as a bat, resting before her final metamorphosis into bride.
She met a pirate on the ship on the Atlantic. He was a handsome stow-away looking for valuable goods. The girl who does have a name, was singing in the box. Her name was Joan.
The pirate was thrilled to find his very own bride, because he had just swiped a wedding ring. It seemed like fate that he'd come across a perfect match for his latest steal.
However Joan had already been bought by a snake Tycoon and restaurantrepeneur. She was to arrive at an all-male school for how to be a nasty sick coughing magazine clipper.
The pirate turns out to be an alien, and his ship is way faster. So he takes her onto his pirate space ship. At first, she loves it. It still takes two weeks to get there. But then she got sick for like the whole time - the food was so terrible. Plus there was puke in the sink and the floor wasn't shiny. But then she got there and everything was hella chill.

The End