I used to joke that if I could make money doing this that I would become a millionaire. I knew I was only smoking the profits for I was folding an economy to which the door had already closed. I was not prepared to resign the few moral convictions which I possessed, but did it only have to be a matter of time before I knew my own true dark nature or could have I lived as a blind nomad on the backs of my equally blind neighbors? For the truth had become like manna from heaven, that we will all die and we don't really know where we come from because we do not really understand our connection to each other. Our blindness was not of that connection or to each other but for ourselves which we have fruitlessly frivolously and futily circumvented at our own expense, our own necessary sufferings remaining. We should have what we want as beings apart of this world and I have narrowed down the things holding me back to the very things themselves:
1. University, 2. Heathens, 3. Cigarettes, 4. Mom, and 5. California
And thus I know who I truly am and all that it is which I should be saving for.
1. University
I had been encouraged (groomed) from a very young age to go to college when I was older, and I had become duly separated in preparation to my knowledge atypical. I grew bored of it before they thought they knew what to do with me. They should have asked me instead of what I want to be when I grow up, what I want to do right now. I simply was left grappling the ultrapersonal conundrum of my overall performance, if my seemingly gifted aptitude really merited such focused enrichment.
2.
Heathens are simply defined by me as anyone who works on sunday, which should be a day of rest. I too was guilty before I saw the beauty of a disciplined schedule atune to commercial behavior. Mysterious barriers may be discovered in respect to certain under-and-overlying systems, and if I'm wrong, then gangway to forged traditions.
3. Cigarettes
we never really got along or enjoyed each others company or presence.
4. Mom
She wants me to be safe so she may be without worry. I know her worrying is her job in life, which is why it is on this list of things to get past and not necessarily destroy. Which brings me to
5. California
Mentioned in countless songs, fictionalized and idealized, where dreams are born and where dreamers go to die, California has a special place in my heart which I hope is only true for every American. Its as perfect as it can get which is good enough for me, and if being perfect all the time means getting boring once in a while, I'll take it, because this unpredictable lifestyle is getting out of hand. I know there are likeminded people there, those who consider it home and more migrants like me who want nothing more than warm rain, mild winters and blazing summers. I'm not trying to escape because I don't really have it all that bad, nothing to complain about, but I can't say I tried if I don't, but I can say I didn't try even if I do. Now I have it in writing, I'm 28 years old lying in a bed that isn't mine by myself with a flashlight in my mouth. I'm moving to California.
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Posession, or the Secret Order of the Blue Chains
You had probably heard of Mary Pink, because she had not been videotaped for her remarkable behavior.
Her body had been recovered from a car accident in which she had been badly burned. Her identification was also practically destroyed, except for her first name and the first two letters of her last name. She happened to be wearing all pink when she was found.
It was soon discovered that when she was touched that she would continue touching herself until stopped. She seemed to love having her hair stroked and petted.
The people taking care of her did not want to share her secret with anyone, so they kept her at home and took care of her the best they could. Nobody came looking for her as if she never existed in the first place, as if the accident never had happened. As far as they could tell there hadn't been anyone else in the car and there were no other vehicles involved.
She inevitably began to fall apart and her caretakers didn't know what to do. They gave her anything they thought she needed, including a whole new wardrobe in her favorite color.
One morning one of them went to check on her and she was not in her room. They searched all over the house for her before they realized she was lying on the ground outside, under a tree in the shade in front of the house. They got her back inside as quickly as they could, carrying her gently, with one of her arms over one of their shoulders. From then on they kept the door locked when she was by herself.
At that point they had to decide what to do with her because she could no longer stay there with them. They had documented her mystery the best they could. They continued to provoke her in front of a video camera but without a reaction, as if she was aware of what was happening. They didn't realize that it had been daylight outside every time they had tried, especially because the room they had been keeping her had no windows. She somehow knew though, and she was not obligated to fulfill their wishes.
They decided finally to let her go, opening every door in the house and leaving it up to her. She yet remained for quite some time and the people taking care of her continued to fruitlessly record her.
Then they saw her standing in the middle of the house in the middle of the night. One of them approached her, slowly, carefully, reached out and proceeded to lay their hand upon her. As soon as they did, she fell to the floor and did not get up again.
Her body had been recovered from a car accident in which she had been badly burned. Her identification was also practically destroyed, except for her first name and the first two letters of her last name. She happened to be wearing all pink when she was found.
It was soon discovered that when she was touched that she would continue touching herself until stopped. She seemed to love having her hair stroked and petted.
The people taking care of her did not want to share her secret with anyone, so they kept her at home and took care of her the best they could. Nobody came looking for her as if she never existed in the first place, as if the accident never had happened. As far as they could tell there hadn't been anyone else in the car and there were no other vehicles involved.
She inevitably began to fall apart and her caretakers didn't know what to do. They gave her anything they thought she needed, including a whole new wardrobe in her favorite color.
One morning one of them went to check on her and she was not in her room. They searched all over the house for her before they realized she was lying on the ground outside, under a tree in the shade in front of the house. They got her back inside as quickly as they could, carrying her gently, with one of her arms over one of their shoulders. From then on they kept the door locked when she was by herself.
At that point they had to decide what to do with her because she could no longer stay there with them. They had documented her mystery the best they could. They continued to provoke her in front of a video camera but without a reaction, as if she was aware of what was happening. They didn't realize that it had been daylight outside every time they had tried, especially because the room they had been keeping her had no windows. She somehow knew though, and she was not obligated to fulfill their wishes.
They decided finally to let her go, opening every door in the house and leaving it up to her. She yet remained for quite some time and the people taking care of her continued to fruitlessly record her.
Then they saw her standing in the middle of the house in the middle of the night. One of them approached her, slowly, carefully, reached out and proceeded to lay their hand upon her. As soon as they did, she fell to the floor and did not get up again.
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